Are you a wizard with a magic wand?
Do you have Tinkerbell at your side, ready with fairy dust?
Can you slay dragons, print money and ignore state ordinances and laws without flinching?
Can you spew false propaganda about how great decayed Molalla is doing without blushing?
Can you support the long-standing legacy of a city that wants to hide its plans from the very citizens it plans to impact?
Do you have a finger big enough to keep plugging the holes in the Molalla budget?
Do you love bickering elected officials who are ready to stab you and each other in the back at the drop of a hat?
Would you enjoy having hordes of greedy speculators nipping at your heels, clamoring for special favors at public expense?
Do you like working with city employees who were appointed and protected because of nepotism? Can you ignore incompetence?
Do you love the Tea Party? How about the KKK?
Do you love racist “Indian” mascots?
Do you hate diversity?
Do you love cult like Churches that don’t pay taxes yet open for profit businesses that compete with local businesses?
Can you hold your head up when the rest of the County and State is snickering about what a BLIGHTED and FINANCIAL DISASTER Molalla is?
Can you practice selective enforcement of codes and planning mandates? Are you a quick learner so you’ll know what good old boys and girls will be your puppet masters?
Can you pretend to think positive even when reality tells you there are serious problems?
Are you good at telling half-truths and dodging full public disclosure when problems arise? Do you enjoy ignoring public information requests and hiding minutes of important city meetings? Do you like getting letters and calls from the Clackamas County DA because you refuse to answer public information request that might prove city malfeasance?
Are you ready to be saddled running a city pool that never breaks even but can’t be shuttered, due to a ridiculous contract?
Are you ready to deal with horrific infrastructure nightmares, like water quality permitting and convincing rural land owners to accept sewer sludge from Molalla’s many years late and millions of dollars short public works department? Or can you convince the DEQ that overflowing sludge ponds are a scenic wonder along Highway 213? Can you help forge landowner permission slips and send employees to pretend they represent the DEQ because your public works department is BROKE AND INCOMPETENT?
Will you enjoy trying to suck up to warring factions – bourgeois “us first” cheap skate merchants, angry city residents who will revolt if you ask for a cent more money in fees and local environmentalists who will do anything necessary to prevent the city from adding more pollution and contamination to local rural lands, riparian zones and wetlands?
Or, let’s be frank: Are you a good LIAR?
Would you like to use public money to run a city like it’s a charity?
Do you enjoy mixing church and state?
If you answered YES to the above questions, the Molalla City Manager is the perfect job for you!
Don’t apply to be Molalla City Manager unless you look like this:
And don’t forget your backup, that fairy with a crystal ball you’ll need to protect YOUR career:
If you aren’t ready to slay civic dragons, to keep you finger plugging the ever-growing hole in the shrinking Molalla budget, to inherit lawsuits out the kazoo and to accept endless “me first” whining and insider trading corruption, then beware! Becoming Molalla City Manager is a sure path to career suicide.
If you don’t have MAGIC SOLUTIONS don’t bother to apply.
The former City Manager Ellen Barnes spent a year pawing through horrific past disasters that caused Molalla’s present insolvency. She was rudely run out-of-town because she was a professional realist. It was “shoot the messenger”. When she honestly announced she would not continue in Decayville Molalla, the vindictive City Council hauled her into executive session and tried to force her to leave on the spot with no severance. She was such a sterling professional she refused to leave the city in the lurch and insisted on staying long enough for an interim manager to be found.
Barnes exit interview in the Oregonian:
“Barnes said the year has been a challenging one. “I wish it would have worked out differently, and that we would’ve had better communication, but that’s not what happened.”
She said “philosophical disagreements” contributed to her departure.
“I’m trained to be a professional manager,” she said. “I treat the city as a business. The council doesn’t view it the same way. A lot of the individuals have come into the position and view it as, I don’t want to say a charity, but more they’re here for outreach and support.”
She said the changes she initiated in City Hall to balance the budget created a “culture shock” for council and staff. “The business as usual…where you could spend money without oversight, that changed. It had to change, because of the financial crisis the city was in, and is still in.”
Did you get the “STILL IN” part about Molalla’s financial MESS?
Beware the Molalla City Council – any elected body dumb enough to try to back stab a manager on the spot in closed-door executive session (and lie about it later) and that tried to leave their city with NO MANAGER can easily turn around and do that to YOU!
If Molalla was an ethical and honest city, it would post an ad saying:
HELP WANTED: It’s a crap shoot to find a ….
Molalla City Manager
MUST ENJOY WORKING WITH A DANGEROUSLY SHRINKING SUPPLY OF MONEY!
Must be capable of riding herd on a witless City Council, still filled with Councilors who watched the city take a dive into insolvency while they sat on their hands and kept funding a clearly illegal urban reserve proposal to “see what will happen”. (But hey, the Molalla Councilors like to ignore the past and “think positive”: toot, toot, get on board the Molalla train with no logic and be ready to jump off when it runs off the rails! Reality need not apply in Molalla).
Must be able to ignore the years of pleas from rural advocacy groups for early disclosure about projects that impact rural lands and residents. Currently, you will be faced with vitriolic wars over wastewater and sewage sludge disposal. It’s always a pathetic struggle for Molalla to face facts about permitting and regulations – as usual, their surly public works “guy” has dropped the ball and left the city scrambling for solutions.
Must be able to look the other way when faced with incompetent employees. The files are a mess in City Hall? Too bad, live with it, you can’t fire the perp! Don’t think it’s ethical to pay forever to keep a Molalla cop indited by Clackamas County on administrative leave? Shut your trap because in Molalla nepotism rules.
Must enjoy being ignored when you try to be the voice of reason. The last City Manager – ethical, honest, accountable, transparent, frank, professional – was run out-of-town on a rail after she was honest enough to announce she was looking for another job. Be prepared to be vilified if you attempt to stop the whiny hordes who want money for nothing – it’s a long-standing tradition to toss public money out for private gain and Molalla’s traditions don’t ever die! Molalla insider traders expect City Hall to be run like a charity!
Must be a cloying “people person” capable of smiling through the gloom of Molalla’s never-ending budget problems. Maybe you are a gifted counterfeiter? We’d love to hear about the quality of the money you print, because the way things are going, we might not be able to keep the doors to City Hall open (or pay you!) unless you and Tinkerbell conjure up some magic money. Who knows what new budget problems await?
Must enjoy fielding lawsuits. Who cares that you didn’t create the problems – you’ll be stuck with them so be prepared!
Must be ready to deal with the GIANT coming PERS increase and union contract negotiations. Molalla pays for all employees’ health plans (and their family as well!) with NO deductible! Whew! What an insane deal, on the backs of the pathetic citizens who are bled for higher than average property taxes in a town that lost huge property values (and has little hope of recovering those values, due to low quality of life). And that health plan largesse insanity extends to the entire family of the employee – even if a spouse is covered elsewhere. WOW! That surely will be “fun” to negotiate in the coming contracts. Get out your wizard robe for that coming fiasco.
Must not be frightened away by the endless urban decay. Put on blinders when you drive through town, so you don’t see all the ugly, empty storefronts. Ignore the lack of quality of life features because with ongoing insolvency you can kiss goodby any hope of fixing the cruddy roads, adding needed sidewalks and bike lanes or providing adequate parks. Any hope of a “better not bigger” city was trashed long ago when greedy “stuff em in” development trumped adequate SDCs. It’s all WAY TOO LATE to fix anything in Molalla now, so be sure you’ll enjoy presiding over a growing slum.
Must be willing to “work” with good old boy and girl insider pushers who are trying to re-up the “improperly formed” (i.e. ILLEGAL) EID called TEAM. Get the slogan “Molalla steals from the poor to pay the rich” tattooed on your arm if you want the City Manager job!
Must be able to pretend that dioxin contamination is no big deal and that Molalla will be the next greatest destination for businesses in Oregon ( LOL: don’t worry about demographics or distance from freeways and population centers – just use you magic wand to pump up the economy!).
If you plan to bring your family here, make certain your kids enjoy being bullied. You must endorse a School District that protects racism via its refusal to teach the community why the State of Oregon banned their idiotic lurid orange clip art “indian” mascot.
Could it be that Molalla is so desperate it needs a cartoon lucky charm “indian” to cling to because it has no hope left? Here’s some typical brainless, insensitive, smug, white power privilege Molalla “indian’ supporters:
And here’s how those racists “honor” Native Americans:
STRIKE OUT should be Molalla’s motto! They’re all soft in the head!
Still interested in applying? Throw your name in the hat and let’s see how long you survive. Serf this blog for an insider view of Molalla’s MANY Walks of Shame.
Don’t forget how the sleazy “leaders” of Molalla treated the former City Manager – you know, the smart, talented, ethical, accountable, transparent one they tried to ride out-of-town on a rail when she was honest enough to say she would be looking for another job: I guess that’s another qualification, not to care when the Council gangs up and vilifies YOU behind closed doors.
You’ll need this sign to keep your spirits up when the nasty shit hits the fan if you try to emulate the great former city manager and inject honesty and reality into Molalla:
Still feelin’ lucky? If you take the job, keep your weigi-board handy so you’ll have the upper hand when the end is in sight and the natives get hostile.
And Zoltar is always ready to give cogent advice to hapless reality based fools who are naive enough to try to present facts to the Molalla City Council:
And if you are too cheap to consult MADAM DECAYVILLE, ZOLTAR or even to spin the Wheel of Fortune, then I’ll loan you my book. Believe me, I’ve watched it all go south in Backwaterville Molalla for YEARS and I don’t need any magic to see Molalla’s future is an ever accelerating RACE TO THE BOTTOM!
BOYCOTT MOLALLA! It’s TOXIC!