Help Wanted: Become Molalla City Manager and Commit Career Suicide!

MADAM DECAYVILLE FORTUNE TELLING BOOTH: Do YOU want to be City Manager of Molalla? Read on carefully, I predict career suicide ahead!

MADAM DECAYVILLE FORTUNE TELLING BOOTH: Do YOU want to be City Manager of Molalla? Read on carefully, I predict career suicide ahead!

Are you a wizard with a magic wand?

Do you have Tinkerbell at your side, ready with fairy dust?

Can you slay dragons, print money and ignore state ordinances and  laws without flinching?

Can you spew false propaganda about how great decayed Molalla is doing without blushing?

Can you support the long-standing legacy of a city that wants to hide its plans from the very citizens it plans to impact?

Do you have a finger big enough to keep plugging the holes in the Molalla budget?

Do you love bickering elected officials who are ready to stab you and each other in the back at the drop of a hat?

Would  you enjoy having hordes of greedy speculators nipping at your heels, clamoring for special favors at public expense?

Do you like working with city employees who were appointed and protected because of nepotism? Can you ignore incompetence?

Do you love the Tea Party? How about the KKK?

Do you love racist “Indian” mascots?

Do you hate diversity?

Do you love cult like Churches that don’t pay taxes yet open for profit businesses that  compete with  local businesses?

Can you hold your head up when the rest of the County and State is snickering about what a BLIGHTED and FINANCIAL DISASTER Molalla is?

Can you practice selective enforcement of codes and planning mandates? Are you a quick learner so you’ll know what good old boys and girls will be your puppet masters?

Can you pretend to think positive even when reality tells you there are serious problems?

Are you good at telling half-truths and dodging full public disclosure when problems arise? Do you enjoy ignoring public information requests and hiding minutes of important city meetings? Do you like getting letters and calls from the Clackamas County DA because you refuse to answer public information request that might prove city malfeasance?

Are you ready to be saddled running a city pool that never  breaks even but can’t be shuttered, due to a ridiculous contract?

Are you ready to deal with horrific infrastructure nightmares, like water quality permitting and convincing rural land owners to accept sewer sludge from Molalla’s many years late and millions of dollars short public works department? Or can you convince the DEQ that overflowing sludge ponds are a scenic wonder along Highway 213? Can you help forge landowner permission slips and send employees to pretend they represent the DEQ because your public works department is BROKE AND INCOMPETENT?

Will you enjoy trying to suck up to warring factions – bourgeois “us first” cheap skate  merchants, angry city residents who will revolt if you ask for a cent more money in fees and local environmentalists who will do anything necessary to prevent the city from adding more pollution and contamination to local rural lands, riparian zones and wetlands?

Or, let’s be frank: Are you a good LIAR?

Would you like to use public money to run a city like it’s a charity?

Do you enjoy mixing  church and state?

If you answered YES to the above questions, the  Molalla City Manager  is the perfect job for you!

Don’t apply to be Molalla City Manager unless you look like this:

b magic wizard

And don’t forget your backup, that fairy with a crystal ball you’ll need to protect YOUR career:

If you aren’t ready to slay civic dragons, to keep you finger plugging the ever-growing hole in the shrinking Molalla budget, to inherit lawsuits out the kazoo and to accept endless “me first” whining and insider trading corruption, then beware! Becoming Molalla City Manager is a sure path to career suicide.

If you don’t have MAGIC SOLUTIONS don’t bother to apply.

The former City Manager Ellen Barnes spent a year pawing through horrific past disasters that caused Molalla’s present insolvency. She was rudely run out-of-town because she was a professional realist. It was “shoot the messenger”. When she honestly announced she would not continue in Decayville Molalla, the vindictive City Council hauled her into executive session and tried to force her to leave on the spot with no severance. She was such a sterling professional she refused to leave the city in the lurch and insisted on staying long enough for an interim manager to be found.

Barnes exit interview in  the Oregonian:

Barnes said the year has been a challenging one. “I wish it would have worked out differently, and that we would’ve had better communication, but that’s not what happened.”

She said “philosophical disagreements” contributed to her departure.

“I’m trained to be a professional manager,” she said. “I treat the city as a business. The council doesn’t view it the same way. A lot of the individuals have come into the position and view it as, I don’t want to say a charity, but more they’re here for outreach and support.”

She said the changes she initiated in City Hall to balance the budget created a “culture shock” for council and staff. “The business as usual…where you could spend money without oversight, that changed. It had to change, because of the financial crisis the city was in, and is still in.”

Did you get the “STILL IN” part about Molalla’s financial MESS?

Beware the Molalla City Council – any elected body dumb enough to try to back stab a manager on the spot in closed-door executive session (and lie about it later) and that tried to leave their city with NO MANAGER can easily turn around and do that to YOU!

Let's spin the fortune telling wheel and figure out what the future holds for the City Manager Want Ad.

Let’s spin the fortune-telling wheel and figure out what the future holds for the City Manager Want Ad.

If Molalla was an ethical and honest city, it would post an ad saying:

HELP WANTED: It’s a crap shoot to find a ….

Molalla City Manager



Must be capable of riding herd on a witless City Council, still filled with Councilors who watched the city take a dive into insolvency while they sat on their hands and kept funding a clearly illegal urban reserve proposal to “see what will happen”.  (But hey, the Molalla Councilors like to ignore the past and “think positive”: toot, toot, get on board the Molalla train with no logic and be ready to jump off when it runs off the rails! Reality need not apply in Molalla).

Must be able to ignore the years of pleas from rural advocacy groups for early disclosure about projects that impact rural lands and residents. Currently, you will be faced with vitriolic wars over wastewater and sewage sludge disposal. It’s always a pathetic struggle for Molalla to face facts about permitting and regulations – as usual, their surly public works “guy” has dropped the ball and left the city scrambling for solutions.

Must be able to look the other way when faced with  incompetent employees.  The files are a mess in City Hall? Too bad, live with it, you can’t fire the perp! Don’t think it’s ethical to pay forever to keep a Molalla cop indited by Clackamas County on administrative leave? Shut your trap because in Molalla nepotism rules.

Must enjoy being ignored when you try to be the voice of reason. The last City Manager – ethical, honest, accountable, transparent, frank, professional – was run out-of-town on a rail after she was honest enough to announce she was looking for another job. Be prepared to be vilified if you attempt to stop the whiny hordes who want money for nothing – it’s a long-standing tradition to toss public money out for private gain and Molalla’s traditions don’t ever die! Molalla insider traders expect City Hall to be run like a charity!

Must be a cloying “people person” capable of smiling through the gloom of Molalla’s never-ending budget problems. Maybe you are a gifted counterfeiter? We’d love to hear about the quality of the money you print, because the way things are going, we might not be able to keep the doors to City Hall open (or pay you!) unless you and Tinkerbell conjure up some magic money. Who knows what new budget problems await?

Must enjoy fielding  lawsuits.  Who cares that you didn’t create the problems – you’ll be stuck with them so be prepared!

Must be ready to deal with the GIANT coming PERS increase and union contract negotiations. Molalla pays for all employees’  health plans (and their family as well!) with NO deductible! Whew! What an insane deal, on the backs of the pathetic citizens who are bled for higher than average property taxes in a town that lost huge property values (and has little hope of recovering those values, due to low quality of life).  And that health plan largesse insanity extends to the entire family of the employee – even if a spouse is covered elsewhere. WOW! That surely will be “fun” to negotiate in the coming contracts. Get out your wizard robe for that coming fiasco.

Must not be frightened away by the endless urban decay. Put on blinders when you drive through town, so you don’t see all the ugly, empty storefronts. Ignore the lack of quality of life features because with ongoing insolvency you can kiss goodby any hope of fixing the cruddy roads, adding needed sidewalks and bike lanes or providing adequate parks. Any hope of a “better not bigger” city was trashed long ago when greedy “stuff em in” development trumped adequate SDCs. It’s all WAY TOO LATE to fix anything in Molalla now, so be sure you’ll enjoy presiding over a growing slum.

Must be willing to “work” with good old boy and girl insider pushers who are trying to re-up the “improperly formed” (i.e. ILLEGAL) EID called TEAM. Get the slogan “Molalla steals from the poor to pay the rich” tattooed on your arm if you want the City Manager job!

Must be able to pretend that dioxin contamination is no big deal and that Molalla will be the next greatest destination for businesses in Oregon ( LOL: don’t worry about demographics or distance from freeways and population centers – just use you magic wand to pump up the economy!).

If you plan to bring your family here, make certain your kids enjoy being bullied. You must endorse a School District that protects racism via its refusal to teach the community why the State of Oregon banned their idiotic lurid orange clip art “indian” mascot.

Could it be that Molalla is so desperate it needs a cartoon lucky charm “indian” to cling to because it has no hope left? Here’s some typical brainless, insensitive, smug, white power privilege  Molalla “indian’ supporters:

indian costumes coolest-indian-couple-costume-2-21313004

And here’s how those racists “honor” Native Americans:

Molalla HS scoreboard - this field is home to "indian" ceremonies and symbols right out of a cheap, tacky summer camp for white kids!

Molalla HS scoreboard – this field is home to pathetic and insulting “indian” ceremonies and symbols right out of a cheap, tacky 1950’s summer camp for white kids! Anyone for cowboys and indians?

STRIKE OUT  should be Molalla’s motto! They’re all soft in the head!

Still interested in applying? Throw your name in the hat and let’s see how long you survive. Serf this blog for an insider view of Molalla’s MANY Walks of Shame.

Don’t forget how the sleazy “leaders” of Molalla treated the former City Manager – you know, the smart, talented, ethical, accountable, transparent one they tried to ride out-of-town on a rail when she was honest enough to say she would be looking for another job: I guess that’s another qualification, not to care when the Council gangs up and vilifies YOU behind closed doors.

You’ll need this sign to keep your spirits up when the nasty shit hits the fan if you try to emulate the great former city manager and inject honesty and reality into Molalla:

The sign left by the former Molalla City Manager for YOU!

The sign left by the former Molalla City Manager for YOU!

Still feelin’ lucky? If you take the job, keep your weigi-board handy so you’ll have the upper hand when the end is in sight and the natives get hostile.

Don't forget to bring your weigi-board so you can say "Good Bye" before the Council fires you!

Don’t forget to bring your weigi-board so you can say “Good Bye” before the Council fires you!

And  Zoltar is always ready to give cogent advice to hapless reality based fools who are naive enough to try to present facts to the Molalla City Council:

If you need a second opinion, don't hesitate to ask ZOLTAR for his opinion - but I'm certain his fortune would be the same: Avoid the City of Molalla like the plague!

If you need a second opinion, don’t hesitate to ask ZOLTAR for his opinion – but I’m certain his fortune would be the same: Avoid the City of Molalla like the plague!

And if you are too cheap to consult MADAM DECAYVILLE, ZOLTAR or even to spin the Wheel of Fortune, then I’ll loan you my book. Believe me, I’ve watched it all go south in Backwaterville Molalla for YEARS and I don’t need any magic to see Molalla’s future is an ever accelerating RACE TO THE BOTTOM!

I'll loan this to anyone foolish enough to try to "manage" the City of Molalla. Forewarned is forearmed!

I’ll loan this to anyone foolish enough to try to “manage” the City of Molalla. Forewarned is forearmed! Don’t let Molalla’s BAD LUCK BECOME YOUR PATH TO CAREER SUICIDE!


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3 Responses to Help Wanted: Become Molalla City Manager and Commit Career Suicide!

  1. Jubei says:

    I don’t think that “Indian” is necessarily demeaning to indigenous people or also incorrectly “native americans”. It is demeaning to smart people however. How about just including a blurb about how the term “Indian” came up. Educate to create less hate. Columbus thought he was in India when he landed on Hispanol and the name has ignorantly stuck just like the fact of Columbus being the 1st Old Worlder to New World [Yeah right!]

    I am a direct descendent of both a Cherokee War Chief, a Creek Indian and Yuchi tribe member. I am not offended by Indian per se, but I am offended on how the stupidity behind the term “Indian” is still being admired today. Isn’t that the crux of this problem? But you have never spelled it out as such.

    Molalla will awaken, thanks.

    • oregonfirst says:

      Hi Jubei, Thanks for taking the time to comment. I am fully aware about how “”indian” is incorrect and how Columbus used it. I use it with a small “i” because I refuse to dignify “Indian” and mascot. Mascots steal power, they don’t honor a thing. And idiotic cartoon stereotypes of generic “indians” are proven to hurt indigenous – or Native American, per the researchers – children.

      These mascots certainly are offensive to many indigenous people. I heard the outrage of the mothers at the state hearings last spring – mothers who would NEVER let their children attend schools with the clip art cartoons looming at them. Knowing what I know about the bullying and lack of acceptance of diversity in Molalla schools I would never recommend them to any parents. The problems go far beyond the mascot.

      I wish I was as optimistic as you are that “Molalla will awaken”. Currently backwater school districts and their right wing legislators are trying to push a nutty law to allow, as a wise State Board of Education member noted, an “acceptable level of racism” and to take the teeth out of the mascot ban. I highly doubt that our Democratic majority in the legislature and the Democratic governor will allow that nonsense to pass. But the fact that these districts totally fail to teach their students or the community about the civil rights issues connected to “indian” mascots, six years after a Native American student and his family were grossed out by a Molalla half time “indian” display, tells me that white power privilege is still in full swing. This noxious bill in Salem proves that. I talked to one of the Senators sponsoring the ridiculous bill – she said it was about “local control”: gee, I guess we can go back to ignoring women’s rights, handicapped access and bring on a host of civil rights violations if we allow “local control” to trump human dignity. And she was so ignorant she claimed some “chief” in Klamath Falls approved their “indian” mascot – except I talked to former Board Chair Brenda Frank of the Klamath Tribe and she laughed that there was no “chief” there who approved any such mascot – there is no “indian” mascot in KFalls. (I suspect she got her “Tribes” mixed up – all these backwater mascot towns push local lore that is so off the mark it is embarrassing). So the ignorance about anything connected to this issue is proven over and over in Molalla. I firmly believe it will take harsh sanctions – the withholding of state funds if the mascots aren’t changed in about 4 years – if we are ever going to get rid of them. I lived through the civil rights fight in the 60’s and all the same dumb pushes for “acceptable levels of racism” were used then, too. Old habits die hard and many people in places like Molalla are living in vacuums – what they know is what they know and sadly THAT’S ALL THEY KNOW.

      There was a wonderful community understanding of the issue in Enterprise Oregon back in the late 90’s. The local Tribe came and said they were offended by the “indian” mascot at the high school. A sensitive student leader taught her fellow students about the issue, they all immediately decided to stop using the offensive mascot and when for years without one, rather than risk offending their neighbors. Good job there. I wish I was lucky enough to live in a school district with students and a community able to learn and change. But that is not the case in Molalla and they deserve all the bad publicity they get on this and a myriad of other issues where they oppress people – not just minorities.

      I wish they all could read 1491 – the richness and the diversity going on in North and South America was inspiring. Our schools totally fail to teach the REAL history of much of anything.

  2. oregonfirst says:

    One other note on why there MUST be a universal “indian” mascot ban: no matter what any American Tribe thinks or any individual Native Americans think, as long as ANY people are offended and since research proves these mascots are harmful and a violation of civil rights, we need universal bans. This is a national civil rights issue – we didn’t let the South decide on an “acceptable level of racism” for Blacks and we are working to be ever more inclusive for Latino rights. When we do anything that oppresses or harms or offends ANY MEMBERS of our smallest minority we are doing the WRONG THING. Everyone is welcome to their opinion – there are many people who still think women are second class citizens – but our LAWS PROTECT OUR CIVIL RIGHTS AND PROTECT US FROM DISCRIMINATION. We’re moving the ball toward hopefully gay marriage and we need to realize that things that once didn’t seem so bad now are BAD – like racist mascots.

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