Dear Greedy Speculators,
Since most of us rural Molalla folks are totally content letting our land work for us growing food and trees, hosting wildlife or just looking BEAUTIFUL, we all realize that you have other urgent needs to fill your family coffers with hard cold cash.
It sure does appear your land isn’t going to be sprouting mansions! And it is not going to be sprouting businesses, either.
I looked at an email site today and up popped a great opportunity to GET RICH QUICK. For better or worse, I guess I am just stupid – I enjoy my peace and quiet and I like to gather information to help diverse, wonderful local people connect to understand civic issues. Frankly, I don’t know what I would do with a giant pile of money.
I am one of those fools who believes “stay-cations” are the best vacations. My house is tiny, my desires limited: watching the sunsets, seeing the creek ebb and flow, laughing at frolicking wildlife, feeding pets, loving my family and great friends, savoring the seasons as they change, and pinching myself over my good luck to have found a rural paradise.
So when I got the below message, I thought of all the greedy Molalla land speculators: I wouldn’t know you if I passed you on the street. I feel your pain for your unfilled greed and I want to pass along this fantastic opportunity to you! It is apparent that in this economy FIRE sector businesses are suffering dearly. It must be tough hawking insurance to foreclosures and empty lots. It must be depressing to own “commercial land” in a place that has half its downtown stores empty and crumbling. This will be your salvation.
So dear people of Molalla, if you know land speculators please direct them to this site immediately so they can cash out on this offer and move to the high-end enclave of their dreams. Clearly, even with foreclosure bargains galore in Molalla, we locals aren’t haughty enough for the TEAM speculator crowd. I hear their toilets are studded with diamonds and cast in gold. I trust this offer will satisfy them all. They can move on to tonier pastures and leave us poor simple souls to enjoy our peaceful lives filled with rural charms.
I bet with the below money, the speculators could hook up with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the south of France! I bet they could smack it up with Mick Jagger in London! Maybe they could have tea with the Queen! All I ask for in return is a postcard once in awhile from the swell venues money can buy. Don’t forget to take a picture of your fancy clothes and cool cars while you are at it, speculators! We will all try not to die with envy.
And with all that leisure time, how about heading back to school for some debate lessons? The speculator’s themes ran out about a month ago and they are currently making fools out of themselves. You need a DEBATE TEAM to be effective – running your own tired rants over and over is making people laugh. Two missives ago my cute little old lady friend called and said “Those good old boys are shitting all over themselves in Molalla, aren’t they?”. Man, we are all ready to send you a case of Pepto-Bismol for your acute case of mental diarrhea me first greed. I’d be worried about holding on to my business if I were you speculators, given your failure to grasp the depression, but with the below offer you can chuck that ugly little strip mall offices and head for Paradise!
Now that COUNTY CONTRACT PLANNING IS ABOUT TO CUT OFF UNETHICAL, FAKE PLANNING in tiny little Molalla (there should be enough in this offer to take plannin’ Potter along for the ride, after all he is going down for your greedy sins):
Sent: Tue, 17 May 2011 12:27:24 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: In the meantime, we send you our sincere greetings
BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO,
OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT BOA.
BOA-BF Date: 17-05-2011. BOA-BF.
MY NAME IS MR. Anice Koulard.
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
GROUP BANK OF AFRICA- (BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
I will like you to help me, in receiving of this fund into your Bank Account However; it’s just my urgent need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction. I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance Department of BANK OF Africa (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of (US$10.5 Million dollars) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign Customer (MR. PAUL LOUIS , who died along with His entire family in July 2003 in a plane crash. And It is clear stated in our Banking rules and regulation a deposited fund which has being Dormant after Eight years shall be reverted as unclaimed fund.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after Eight years an above, the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. I agree that 40% of this money will be for you as foreign partner in respect to the provision of a foreign account, and while 60%would be for me.
If you agree to my business proposal, further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as I receive your return mail. Make sure you keep this transaction as your top secret and make it confidential till we receive the fund into the account that you will provide to the Bank. Don’t disclose it to any body, because the secrecy of this transaction is as well as the success of it. Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application.
I will not fail to bring to your notice this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required Arrangements have been made for the transfer, please treat this business with utmost confidentiality and you should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter. Have a great day.
MR. Anice Koulard.