Mr. Tube Nose’s first Molalla newsletter

(Parody coming, look the other way if you can’t take a joke!)

From the Desk of Mr. Tube Nose, your City Manager

Hello, let me introduce myself. I am Mr. Tube Nose, the new City Manager of Molalla. I am a refugee from New Guinea, where the natives, when they run out of humans for the stock pot, try to use me and my family clan as bush meat. Horrors!

I smuggled myself into your fair state in a shipping container full of fruit. I wish you had some hiking trails or even enough parks, because on that long journey I pigged out and gained a few pounds. I understand that Molalla lacks parks and sidewalks and bike routes. That’s pretty pathetic. We’ll have to work on that.

First task for me is to get settled. I have found an amazing array of abandoned, flimsy old buildings I can choose as my roosting site. I have looked at piles of possibilities in what you try to call a “downtown”. To me it mostly looks like dark, decayed holes in trees. Anyway, after looking at the ugly, empty Keith Brown site (too much light), the Prairie House (too fancy), the Hoffman House (too noisy), the big dark old empty building where the sleazy kids arcade failed (not bad, but there are some tenets so I would lack privacy), I have decided to roost in the old white elephant of an abandoned church near the funeral home.

Rest assured, us Fruit Bats have zero interest in blood sucking so the funeral home is not the reason I have chosen the old church. I figured that it has been empty so long it will be the perfect dark moldy site for my rest. I am pretty sure it wouldn’t be of interest to humans, since it is clap trap and archaic – however, that is true of most of “downtown”. As I work to relocate my clan, we may consider more of your giant collection of abandoned buildings. The roost possibilities are certainly endless!

Isn’t it great that Molalla finally has a City Manager actually living in town? Someone with a real stake in the future of the City? Who knows, the bat roost buildings could help provide tourist attractions in the future. We’re small so we can help pump up those population numbers quickly as well. Just think of how many of us can cram into a building! It is a shame we’ll have to wait 10 years for the census because by then with the bat colonies well established I’m sure we’ll easily surpass that 25,000 mark! We won’t even make a dent on water supply, either – but the local fruit orchards might want fair warning (we don’t take kindly to dogs, noise cannons or poison, there are trade offs if you want to pump the population quickly).

I’m a bit shocked that the so-called School Board is going to try to get public money for that moldy, half empty middle school when it SHOULD be asking for funds to TEACH the kids. Us Tube Noses put a lot of stock in education. We never believed that the building mattered more than educational programs. How sad that your city spends money on half empty buildings and repairs instead of consolidating. My slogan always is “Teachers over buildings”.

On my first day on the job, I intend to closely examine the budget. I know your sad city has been badly mismanaged. I plan to immediately lay off the fake planner and implement County Contract Planning. The next to go will be the speed trap cop shop. I understand that high-end Happy Valley saves a bunch by contracting their police needs to the County. We already have the police cars and the uniforms, so we’ll just have to pay the hourly rate for professionals from County. That will stop the hemorrhage caused by incompetence and overtime.

I’m considering suing that so-called former “manager” who has nearly driven Molalla into bankruptcy. In my native Tube Nose territory, we practice sustainable life. We never live above our means and we only hired certified, trained professionals when we had to create new roosts and related infrastructure. We are total compact growth advocates. You have to look hard to even find where we lived – imagine, we were just discovered! How’s that for no trace living?

We’re pretty peaceful but when we needed security (usually because of those hungry natives looking for bush meat) we always contracted out. It worked well in the jungle, and if it weren’t for those stew pots I would still be there enjoying the lush park like setting with its well-reasoned travel routes and tidy roosts.

You, my new friends, have made a hash of it in Molalla because you catered to special interests over the public good and we have a great deal of work to do!

Since my clan is huge, we have a great deal to share about diverse citizen involvement. You have dropped the ball and I sense a state of war between the “insiders” and the “outsiders”. Shame! We Tube Noses have spent centuries eating and roosting in harmony with most other species (less the stew pot tribes – but we fly fast in the dark!).

So now I am hunkering down (literally, I do my best work hanging upside down). City Hall is going to be peaceful without that idiotic lawyer and that silly little consultant cluttering the place up now that the ridiculous urban reserve has driven the fake planning dept. out of business.

That local family that thinks Molalla owes it something is plum out of luck. We’re turning over a new leaf here – even the landscape will quickly change as my comrades migrate over and begin to eat! We are famous for our work reforesting the jungle since our droppings are filled with seeds. Think of the wooded paradise we can help create for free! Give me a call if you live in those scorched earth developments – I’m happy to do a dropping fly over so you can have a leafy canopy in the future! Trees are good for the soul as well as for the water and air! They add value to a city – I guess that goofy planning guy I just fired didn’t read any books about quality city environment or sustainability?

Stay tuned. My next newsletter will feature my brilliant plan to attract tourists and reuse the giant Floragon brownfield in one fell swoop! Whee! I’m on a roll! I am so excited to work with the City Council – I would NEVER FAIL TO FOLLOW THEIR LEAD. I understand “insubordinate” was the middle name of that last “manager” here. How COULD you have put up with THAT for such a long time? Didn’t ANYONE read those scary columns of numbers? Didn’t ANYONE provide oversight? Don’t you care about the bottom line or your future?

Stop in at City Hall. I’m always available to suck some fruit with the locals. Just don’t expect any favoritism or influence peddling with me as City Manager. Us Tube Noses believe in ethical, transparent government that treats all people as equals.

Your loyal servant.

Mr. Tube Nose (you can always call just call me Tubbie!)

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